It’s now 14+ months after I fell on my head in a Norse ritual dedicated to the Norns and received a rune and a head injury.
In this time, in addition to mostly healing my head, I birthed a lesbian country band that has recorded and is performing professionally, a novel that had been gestating for 10 years, am making real progress in learning piano and have written three new songs. I also claimed myself as a ‘real’ musician, which had begun at that ritual so long ago.
One complication that came from my head injury was a worsening in a condition of low blood pressure I hadn’t taken note of before. About a year ago, three months into my recovery, I ended up in the emergency with sudden and persistent dizziness and elevated heart rate, something that could have been a life threatening heart condition. I am so grateful to live in Canada where the system took charge and did all the tests at no cost to me. At length, and after much fear and worry, they determined I had a low blood pressure condition (low blood pressure isn’t always a good thing). I was diagnosed by about March, and by December of last year, I had mostly figured out how to manage it successfully.
It looks like one main thing I learned from my ordeal was that many things in my life I had thought of as character defects – my exhaustion after intense experiences, sleepiness after eating, mental confusion. spaciness, and forgetfullness – were actually symptoms of the serious head injury I’d had at 13, and the lifelong low blood pressure I’ve had. Now that I’m managing both things, I can really see how the things I do (or don’t do) have affects on all of those. Alcohol, never a big deal for me, is now off the table, and sadly large servings of high carb foods are as well if I want to have any energy or mental clarity.
My band is the great joy of my life. I’ve never been so creatively satisfied.
I’m still always looking for signs I’ve lost some brain capacity – so far it seems like I’m good – and make sure that I look after my most precious organ. I’m a bit nervous about money too, as I haven’t had much extra energy until now to work on getting more clients, while taking good care of my existing ones (I’m self employed as a web designer / project manager/ technical writer 20 years of experience if these are services you need) .
Although it’s clear Odin has claimed me in his way, and I acknowledge that, I’ve been wary of Him. I don’t want to be that girl in the book or movie who meets the guy when he is mistreating her, and then falls for him ( no pun intended), discovering he’s really a great guy, just rough around the edges. That romantic line is just about conditioning women to put up with things we shouldn’t. So I’ve been talking to him, and to my other matron and patron gods about it.
Most recently, what I’ve come to is that I have already survived my initiatory ordeal many years ago, and the most recent ordeal has integrated and recognized those learnings into a whole. The powers I earned have been recognized in ceremony to help me claim them is all. A sacrifice of myself to myself to rejuvinate me, to a new understanding of who I am and what I am worth. Like the initial rune reading said, I have already done a great thing, worthy of honour, and the gods protect me. I am not obligated to accept a continuous stream of ordeals.
What are these new powers?
I made a headdress at a women’s retreat recently. The direction was to make a crown celebrating an achievement. I decided that I didn’t want my worth to be tied to achievement any more, that I am worthy regardless of whether I am smart, successful or have a partner. I created a Crown of Worthiness.
It hit me today, as I read what I’d written in my first part of this story, that worthiness was one of the things I had set my intention for at that ritual so long ago. Embracing that worthiness, independently of achievements, is a great power. And I still do achieve – but in the things I want to, as a consequence of doing them for love.
Speaking of love, I did a spell. As a priestess of Aphrodite, I have done a lot of love spells for others, but not often one for myself. I cast for secure, embodied love. And the tests and learning that come when you cast that kind of spell have begun come to me, letting me know that it is working, has worked. I continue to do what I am called to do. I will write of this too.